This branching video from Tippex is a clever use of youtube.

Though beware the blue language in the set-up video.

To me, it’s not only a touch gratuitous but also a rather uncomfortable fit with the brand it’s promoting.

I’ll be popping on a more constructive post shortly, but sometimes something catches your eye you just have to share.

In this instance, it’s the intro copy to an app for a certain well-known vendor of American college-wear. Before going any further, I strongly recommend you brace yourself. Whiplash from the inevitable cringe reflex is a real possibility. Ready? Deep breath. Here we go:

Hey, you made it! Thought you’d like something to look at while you party with your friends! This is a great way to live ******, and it’s pretty cool when you can take the brand with you on all of your crazy nights. You’re welcome! No, but really, check out what’s goin’ on–it’s good stuff. Feel free to take your time and really get into it; if you look good, no one will care if you’re late, right? So, here’s what you can expect: Check out our latest iconic photography, see what’s happening with our brands, the latest in ****** style, Flagship openings, along with where you can find a store near you. We also have excellent information about who we are as a family of brands. That should give you an idea of what we have to offer–okay, get your plaid on and make it happen!

Is this a spoof? Please tell me it’s an arch, post-modern spoof. It’s not a spoof, is it?

There is doubtless some kind of lesson in here about the importance of authenticity in your brand. But I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

Though, to be fair, it is ‘pretty cool when you can take the brand with you on all your crazy nights.”

I have literally no idea what that means.

Secretly, I’m a nerd. I say ‘secretly’. I think my weekly Amazon delivery of sci fi books and videogames mean the creative team is on to me.

(Seamless segue approaching)

If you’ve ever bought a PC videogame, you’ll have seen two important pieces of information on the back of the box. The first is called Minimum Requirements. The second is Recommended Requirements.

They specify exactly how good your components need to be to run the game. Your graphics card, processor, memory and stuff.

If your PC meets the Minimum Requirements, you should be able to get it working. But you’ll have to turn all the bells and whistles off. And even if you do the game will stutter along joylessly.

But if it meets the Recommended Requirements, you can ratchet up the quality settings and everything will run smoothly – making for a much more enjoyable experience.

(Don’t worry. This is what’s called a metaphor. Watch…)

To my mind, employee rewards are much the same as Minimum Requirements.

(See?)

They’re fundamental. That is, they fulfil a basic expectation of every employee i.e. you remunerate me fairly for the hours and expertise I put in.

But they’re not important. That is, in the vast majority of cases, they are not the driving force behind people’s motivation at work.

They are the world of work’s Minimum Requirements. Few people would say the thing that excited them most about their job is the money. Sure, they’d be pretty miffed if they didn’t get any. But it’s not what truly stimulates them.

Despite this, organisations place a huge emphasis on communicating the tangible rewards they offer, instead of articulating their Recommended Requirements – the stuff that actually creates a great career experience.

You know. The Big Idea behind the organisation. The contribution you’ll make. The things you’ll learn. The people you’ll work with. The future opportunities. The lasagne in the canteen, even.

Get your rewards right, then get them out of the way. You might just find you’ve got more interesting things to talk about.

Has there ever been a water cooler moment about people having a chat by the water cooler? Sorry if that’s a bit meta for this time of day. There’s a point hovering just out of sight, I’m almost sure of it.

(Moreover, do people really stand around the water cooler talking about the latest water cooler moment? Me, I’m not at the water cooler long enough to chat about celebrity cellulite or the latest televisual cliffhanger. Glass in place, press the button, fill her up, off I go. Maybe water cooler moments are just another whimsical invention of marketing people. Like the suggestion that any sane woman would feel genuinely humiliated if her whites where noticeably less white than someone else’s whites. Digression ends.)

Back to my original, head-spinning question. Social media is being touted as the latest must have for creating connections with potential consumers or employees.

But it’s essential to remember that social media is never where these relationships with brands start. If people are going to talk about you, you need to give them something to talk about.

Blazingly obvious when you spell it out. But it’s a fact that many seem to overlook in the rush to generate Twitter followers and Facebook fans.

Social media can’t create relationships where none exist; but, used smartly, it can strengthen those you’ve already developed.

It’s not where the buzz starts. It’s where it continues.

I recently read an idea for a new agency model in the comments section of one of the multifarious creative blogs out there. It struck me as sheer brilliance. Here’s how it works.

Basically, you pick a brand (any brand) and start doing advertising on its behalf.

You don’t need their permission, which straight away cuts out the stress and expense of the pitch process. Plus, imagine how cool the work would be if you didn’t have a pesky brief to fulfil, constraining brand guidelines to consider or even anyone else’s opinions corrupting your pristine vision.

You continue doing this free of charge until, inevitably, the brand in question becomes a world-famous category leader. And here’s the clever bit.

You then demand huge sums of money from said brand – otherwise you will STOP what you’re doing.

I’m currently looking to raise the (substantial) capital needed to get this idea up and running. If you’re interested, you know where to find me.

What could possibly go wrong?

People have a natural tendency towards anthropomorphism. Do what now? It simply means ascribing human attributes to non-humans. An extreme example would be the craze for pet rocks back in the 70s. A more prosaic one would be giving your car a nickname.

A friend of mine once made the mistake of buying a Suzuki Samurai. He would regularly resort to exhorting/coaxing/begging/threatening his underpowered steed “Hercules” to maintain momentum over a gentle hillock. I digress.

Commercial brands tap into this need to see the world in human terms. I’ll let you into a little secret. Shreddies are not really lovingly knitted by sweet old grannies. Ribena berries do not actually bounce enthusiastically into the bottle with a joyous squeal. That’s a silly suggestion. <Gazes at you incredulously>. They’re just fruit.

But, understandably, organisations feel us humble consumers will look more favourably on their product if it conjures up these comforting scenes rather than the less romantic reality of a factory production line.

The problem comes when brands try and cross what we might like to call the Credibility Gap. Ribena is a fruity drink for kids. It’s carefree, whimsical personality fits that positioning pretty neatly. But I’m not sure the same character would sit quite as comfortably with, say, my pension provider.

That doesn’t stop organisations trying to be something they’re patently not. Gorgeous, young, free spirits doing gorgeous, young, free-spirited things to an achingly cool soundtrack used to be strictly the province of certain mobile phone companies. These days, the pay-off logo is as likely to be a bank. Everyone’s a lifestyle brand.

But they’re not, are they? It’s just not credible, is it? I’m not sure it’s even particularly desirable. I don’t want the guardians of my hard-earned capital to be funny, cute or care-free. Po-faced, humourless and responsible is just fine by me.

Let’s wrap up with a practical tip: keep your eyes peeled for the Credibility Gap in everyday communications too. There’s no less effective way to ‘sell’ an idea than to blow it up out of all proportion. That new employee self service system you’re about to launch? It’s pretty handy. It does not, however, ‘usher in the dawn of an exciting new era that will revolutionise the way we live and work for the better’.

Three words to sum up 400? Keep it real.

Just a quick note to wish everyone a merry Christmas and happy New Year from the quaint, snow-dusted hamlet of WMW.

It’s been a hell of a year, wouldn’t you say? But there’s no sense dwelling on the negative. A whole new year awaits – brimming with potential, bursting with possibilities and covering your whole Outlook calendar with big, shiny dollops of promise.

And this year wasn’t a complete wash-out. To prove it, I conducted a quick straw poll of the last stalwarts in the office to uncover some of the highs of 2009 – from the sublime to the ridiculous. And here are the results:

Inauguration of the USA’s first black President.
Usain Bolt smashing his own WRs in the 100m and 200m.
England beating Australia in the Ashes.
The miracle of Hudson Bay.
The ace new Star Trek film.
Cancellation of Big Brother.
Hilarious MP expenses scandal.
Virgin Galactic selling tickets for a space ride.
David Hayes fighting this man. And winning.
RATM winning the race to Christmas No.1.
Peep Show. Again.
Builder solving Rubik’s Cube after 26 years.
A whole day at Glastonbury when it didn’t rain.

Can’t believe no one mentioned Watford FC narrowly avoiding going into administration. Some people have no sense of perspective.

Have a lovely festive break, one and all. See you on the other side.

Spotted by one of the team on the way into work this morning:

Brand > Customer

Finally, someone has had the moxie to admit it. We’d rather spend time polishing our shiny, beautiful and artfully constructed brands than let them be sullied by those infuriatingly fickle vulgarians known as customers.

What a wonderful metaphor for the last twenty years of brand marketing.

Yours,
Outraged of Clerkenwell